This is one of my favorite satirical comments about the state of the community back in the days of Battlefield 2. It was not written by me, but by NA$TY_BUTLER from the Tactics over Principles community. Seeing how the kind folk at TGN seem to have recently changed their forum structure and made this classic disappear, I decided to provide a mirror of it here.

So what is a smurf? Well, they are little mindless blue creatures that hop around singing songs and feeling happy.

Where can you find them? ….In any public BF2 game!!

-Just look at your minimap. That sea of blue dots on your screen is comprised mostly of smurfs.

-Smurfs are silent secretive creatures. You won’t hear a peep out of them. They don’t have mics and usually have voip turned off because the human voice scares them. Besides, how can you enjoy a game when you’ve got some person yelling in your ear about stupid stuff like “watch out, incoming armor” or “they are taking the main base let’s get there quick”

-The legend is that smurfs are hard to find. They hide in their lil’ mushroom villages far away from human eyes. Now this is wrong. They are very numerous and easy to find if you know where to look.

In Karkand as MEC you will find all the smurfs south of the hotel in spawn camping and artillery country. They just love to look up at the sky (while critically wounded) and find animal shapes in the clouds. You will never find them defending important strategic locations that must be held to win the game like the bridge or the suburbs. Such things as winning and teamplay are of no concern to smurfs.

In Karkand as USMC believe it or not you will find them in the same damn place having it out with the other smurfs and dancing amongst the pretty “fireworks” together which throws them all up in the air in gleeful smurfitude. You won’t find them deep in enemy territory going for the most important locations. They must really like that hotel.

In large maps like Zatar you will find them picking flowers and chasing butterflies all alone in the sunny hills (remember, these are lil’ blue smurfs) usually as a sniper. Smurfs love the sound of sniper rounds boucing off of armor that passes them by and takes their bases.

In Wake as PLA you will find them on the western tips of both peninsulas even as bases behind them are taken. Good job smurf!…the peninsulas are secure…but why is no one coming from the artie island anymore?…must be because they are spawning at the base behind you. Smurfs see no need to stay at “boring” bases like the north village or beach. Besides, what USMC in their right mind would try to take them? Certainly not a USMC smurf…they are gleefully hopping around in on their big fancy boat waiting for vehicles to magically appear. Have no fear lil’ smurf….papa smurfs of smurftastic servers will protect u with “no base raping rules” so you can dance the day away on your boat without flying machines and fireworks smurfing you up. If not then you get to do what smurfs do best…not making smurfberry wine….no….more like whining. Quick as a bunny start typing away complaining to the “meanie greenies” that are smurfing you with their flying machines. It’s not like you have anyone to talk to anyway so you might as well type. Go ahead…type away…your magical smurf words will soon scare the meanies away.

As a matter of fact you will find them all, both sides, in any map going head-on at eachother instead of around to the lightly defended areas behind the lines.

Once in a while a smurf will gain the magical abilities and become “commander smurf”. You can easily tell when you have a commander smurf. You first will notice that you are losing. Then when you look at the map you will notice commander smurf valiantly fighting in the front lines usually in a tank that they have protected with their new-found powers…it will be surrounded by crates and covered by a UAV at all times. Don’t try to speak to this smurf on the mic. It will be of no use since they have no voip or have u muted anyway. If they don’t then they probably don’t know where the commander speak button is or if it even exists.

Smurfs are comical creatures…they love to play games and joke around. A smurf will entertain you sometimes by jumping in the pilot’s seat of a transport chopper and taking you for a slow moving scenic tour of the little known or little visited sections of the map. They will sometimes just crash the thing shortly after takeoff and humor you with a little “tee hee….I can’t fly”.

If you are ever in a smurfs house and see their keyboard you can tell right away. The PG-UP button is removed and the PG-DWN button is taped down.

There are ways to chase a smurf away. Just invite them into a squad or try to talk strategy with them. This bores them. If you are commander you can annoy a smurf by consistantly spotting enemy forces in key areas that are out of range of the UAV until they are dealt with…nothing smurfs them off more..remember smurfs HATE communication as it interferes with the lovely sounds of birds chirping and dogs barking that the game features.

Please feel sorry for these lil’ blue guys. They have disabilities you know. They are sight-impaired. The area to the upper right of the screen called the “minimap” is all fuzzy so they just dont use it. They are hard of hearing as well…in game communictions like “gimme a ride” or “enemy spotted” will fall on deaf ears. It’s not their fault…its smurf genetics.

You may be asking “what are meanie greenies”. Well, they and not Gargamel, are a smurf’s worst enemy. They are green and they talk with eachother and go to areas that make smurfs uncomfortable like important bases and defensive locations that restrict smurf movement. They win games consistantly and by wide margins. They appear almost out of thin air in large numbers as if one of them informed the others that they can join his squad and “spawn” on him to reinforce his position..then they aggressively take the location, post a greenie on defense, and move onto the next. When you take out the “head meanie greenie” he gives up his leader status and another greenie on the squad takes his place and they continue to spawn.

Greenies confuse and scare smurfs. They make the game less like counter stike. So the smurfs do what they do best……not the wine…..yes thats it…THE WHINE. They cast their magical words to all the forums and sites that will listen to them and support eachother. They complain that vehicles weren’t meant to do this or that and squad spawning is not meant to do this and players weren’t meant to score that high. They say that its unfair for a group of meanies that play together all the time should smurf the smurf out of them.

If you listen very carefully you can hear them now…

La la la la la la its unfair. La la la la la la you have a plane hack. La la la la la la no base raping. La la la la la la you’re a stat padder. It’s a timeless childrens’ song. Record it and play it for your kids instead of Barney. It will keep them amused for hours and probably lull them into a smurfy sleep.